Star(bucks) watchingFebruary 4, 2010Jon Brooks 1 Comment »
The Starbucks Guide to Job Status (Andrew Lipstein)
Roman bath houses, or thermae, were massive public spheres (the Baths of Diocletian covered almost one and a half million square feet) that served as public gathering spots for every cross-section of society. Today, we have Starbucks.
CFO’s, soccer moms, drifters, aspiring musicians and more aspiring musicians all wait on line together. And then there’s you, a worker type. You could be unemployed, passing yourself off as a 9-to-5er. Or, you’re collecting a fancy salary but you’d like to pretend you’re one of the unwashed—you know, for kicks. You know which one you are, but can your co-caffeinators tell? It’s all right there in your order.
Espresso, Cream, No Sugar, to go-
You are gainfully employed. Usually you would be at work now, but you had to take a trip to the bank to deposit all of those paychecks and were in the area (of course you were). Plus, some extra caffeine will give that extra boost you need to pump out the Ralston account and serve as a responsible and contributing member of the work force. Drink up, you deserved it!
Starbucks Doubleshot on Ice, with an extra Espresso shot, to go-
You are painfully employed. No one should need that much caffeine. Yes, I’ve heard Voltaire drank between 20 and 30 cups a day, but you are not in the process of writing Dictionnaire Philosophique.
Two Espressos, Black, Two Cappuccinos, Cream, No Sugar, and One Latte, Sugar, No, I mean Cream. Um, Cream and Sugar, to go-
You are employed, but soon to be on the market. Only the second week and you’ve already become the coffee runner: you need to be more assertive. Plus, the Junior Account Manager is sure to put in a bad word for you when he tastes a single morsel of sugar in his latte.
Iced Caramel Brulee Latte, to go-
You are unemployed, but you are new to that world and not quite ready to come to terms with the situation. You got something with a kick, we get it. If you really had a job you wouldn’t care how similar your coffee tasted to a custard-based dessert. It’s fine, we all like a little something silly in our coffee now and then, but be honest with yourself. And the briefcase. Everyone knows it’s empty except for last week’s Doonesbury.
Mint Mocha Chip Frappuccino, Blueberry Streusel Muffin, for here-
You are heavily unemployed. But look on the bright side: you still have two more months of unemployment benefits. You must be on the government’s dime because you are paying $4.75 for a muffin. So drink up, enjoy the frap, maybe get an almond biscotti too, peruse the classifieds and get working on that next great American novel about the Starbucks barista who fights crime on weekends.
Decaf Kenyan Home Roast, Vanilla Mini Sparkle Doughnuts, for here-
Unemployed. So unemployed. Decaf? Are you serious? Get up before the mail comes and then see if you can enjoy a nice coffee without all that happy medicine.
Black and White Cookie, to go
Hard to say. Everyone loves those cookies. Enjoy it, you enigma you.