But this here Craigslist post, reproduced on Economists Do It With Models, is a pretty good rant in terms of rhetoric, and worth a look-see. It’s been reposted on several different web sites, and I dare say it’s about to go viral, but I haven’t seen it attributed to anyone but the anonymous Craigslist Chicago poster. (Wait a minute! Chicago…who do we know that’s good at debating from Chicago? Hmm…)

Again, opposing views welcome…

Hey you. You there in the Glenn Beck T-shirt headed off to the Tea Party Patriot rally.

Stop shouting for a moment, please, I want to explain to you why you’re so very angry.

You should be angry. You’re getting screwed.

I think you know that. But you don’t seem to know that it doesn’t have to be that way. You can stop it. You can stop it easily because the system that’s screwing you over can only keep screwing you over if you keep demanding that it do so.

So stop demanding that. Stop helping the system screw you over.

Look, you can go back to yelling at me in a minute, but just read this first.

1. Get out your pay stub.

Or, if you have direct deposit — you really should get direct deposit, it saves a lot of time and money (I point this out because, honestly, I’m trying to help you here, even though you don’t make that easy Mr. Angry Screamy Guy) — then take out that little paper receipt they give you when your pay gets directly deposited.

2. Notice that your net pay is lower than your gross pay. This is because some of your wages are withheld every pay period.

3. Notice that only some of this money that was withheld went to pay taxes. (I know, I know — yeearrrgh! me hates taxes! — but just try to stick with me for just a second here.)

4. Notice that some of the money that was withheld didn’t go to taxes, but to your health insurance company.

5. Now go get a pay stub from last year around this time, from January of 2009.

6. Notice that the amount of your pay withheld for taxes in your current paycheck is less than the amount that was withheld a year ago.

That’s because of President Barack Obama’s economic stimulus plan, which included more than $200 billion in tax cuts, including the one you’re holding right there in your hand, the tax cut that’s now staring you in the face. Republicans all voted against that tax cut. And then they told you to get angry about the stimulus plan. They didn’t explain, however, why you were supposed to get angry about getting a tax cut. Why would you be? Wouldn’t it make more sense to get angry at the people who voted against that Obama tax cut?

But taxes aren’t the really important thing here. The really important thing starts with the next point.

7. Notice that the amount of your pay withheld to pay for your health insurance is more than it was last year.

8. Notice that the amount of your pay withheld to pay for your health insurance is a lot more than it was last year.

I won’t ask you to dig up old paychecks from 2008 and 2007, but this has been going on for a long time. Every year, the amount of your paycheck withheld to pay for your health insurance goes up. A lot.

9. Notice the one figure there on your two pay stubs that hasn’t changed: Your wage. The raise you didn’t get this year went to pay for that big increase in the cost of your health insurance.

10. Here’s where I need you to start doing a better job of putting two and two together. If you didn’t get a raise last year because the cost of your health insurance went up by a lot, and the cost of your health insurance is going to go up by a lot again this year, what do you think that means for any chance you might have of getting a raise this year?

11. Did you figure it out? That’s right. The increasing cost of health insurance means you won’t get a raise this year. Or next year. Or the year after that. The increasing cost of health insurance means you will never get a raise again.

That’s what I meant when I said you really should be angry. That’s what I meant when I said you’re getting screwed.

OK, we’re almost done. Just a few more points, I promise.

12. The only hope you have of ever seeing another pay raise is if Congress passes health care reform. Without health care reform, the increasing cost of your health insurance will swallow this year’s raise. And next year’s raise. And pretty soon it won’t stop with just your raise. Without health care reform, the increasing cost of your health insurance will start making your pay go down.

13. I wish I could tell you that this was just a worst-case scenario, that this was only something that might, maybe happen, but that wouldn’t be true. Without health care reform, this is what will happen. We know this because this is what is happening now. It has been happening for the past 10 years. In 2008, employers spent on average 25 percent more per employee than they did in 2001, but wages on average did not increase during those years. The price of milk went up. The price of gas went up. But wages did not. All of the money that would have gone to higher wages went to pay the higher and higher and higher cost of health insurance. And unless Congress passes health care reform, that will not change.

Well, it will change in the sense that it will keep getting worse, but it won’t get better. Unless the problem gets fixed, the problem won’t be fixed. That’s kind of what “problem” and “fixed” mean.

14. Sadly for any chance you have of ever seeing a raise again, it looks like Congress may not pass health care reform. It looks like they won’t do that because they’re scared of angry voters who are demanding that they oppose health care reform, angry voters who demand that Congress not do anything that would keep the cost of health insurance from going up and up and up. Angry voters like you.

15. Do you see the point here? You are angrily, loudly demanding that Congress make sure that you never, ever get another pay raise as long as you live. Because of you and because of your angry demands, you and your family and your kids are going to have to get by with less this year than last year. And next year you’re going to have to get by with even less. And if you keep angrily demanding that no one must ever fix this problem, then you’re going to have to figure out how to get by on less and less every year for the rest of your life.

16. So please, for your own sake, for your family’s sake and the sake of your children, stop. Stop demanding that problems not get fixed. Stop demanding that you keep getting screwed. Stay angry — you should be angry — but start directing that anger toward the system that’s screwing you over and taking money out of your pocket. Start directing that anger toward fixing problems instead of toward making sure they never get fixed. Instead of demanding that Congress oppose health care reform so that you never, ever, get another pay raise, start demanding that they pass health care reform, as soon as possible. Because until they do, you’re just going to keep on getting screwed.

And it’s going to be that much worse knowing that you brought this on yourself — that you demanded it.

Thanks for your time.

P.S. — I didn’t mention this because I’m trying here to be as patient with you as I can, but you might also want to keep in mind that in addition to screwing over yourself and screwing over your family and screwing over your own children by demanding that Congress oppose health care reform so that you will never, ever see another pay raise, by doing that you’re also demanding that I never, ever see another pay raise, which means that you’re also screwing over me, and my family, and my children. Not to mention the millions of poor and uninsured and uninsureable people I didn’t even mention above because they don’t seem to matter at all to you. And for that, let me just say the only appropriate thing that can be said to someone so determined to do direct, tangible harm to the welfare of my family: F**k you, you f**** moron.

Let the flaming begin…

I’m reaching out to all members of the Bay Area BMW motorcycle riding community for your support of a fellow BMW rider who’s fallen on hard times. Anyone who’s perused the CL motorcycle listings at least once during the past year has seen the posting for the BMW R100 Head Pipe (damaged). I, like you, initially thought this posting was made as a joke for our entertainment but the subsequent weekly posts have convinced me that not only is the seller serious, persistent, and probably destitute but the clear signs of impaired judgement indicate he may be delusional as well. This individual, in his own way, is crying out for our help.

Nobody in Northern California actually needs or wants a damaged headpipe and current economic conditions have dictated a good belt tightening for all of us. May I therefore suggest a “Damaged Headpipe Charity Ride” as a means of both generating the $35.00 the seller so desperately needs and of showing him that BMW riders can be counted on to be there in his time of mental and emotional need. We can do this with minimal impact on our own wallets. There must be at least 350 motorcycle riders in the Bay Area willing to bite the bullet and cough up a dime apiece to help the poor dude. (May I suggest you get “pledges,” from your workmates, family, employer, etc. to help in this donation effort if you too are facing financial challenges but still want to help). We can set up a group ride to the sellers’ home in the Pleasanton/Livermore area on a mutually satisfactory time. Or, we could wait until next Summer (I’m sure the ad will still be running then) and do it when the BMWMOA has its’ big rally in Oregon. Once the circumstances are explained to the Rally attendees I’m convinced we could get 3500 riders to not only cough up a penny apiece in support of this challenged individual but ride down en-masse for a $35.00 presentation ceremony on the fallen Brothers’ doorstep.

Let me know if you’re in.. Thank you and God bless you for your help.

I’d pay a dollar just to read the guy’s response.

UPDATE: Wait, strike that! I’m not paying a dollar, but I found a response on a BMW Motorcycle Owners of America forum.

STOP! Before you flag this ad (again), know that when you do I’ll just re-post it. And the way Craig’s List works will cause it to rise to the top of the listings. Leave it alone and it’ll slide back down to the bottom, and if someone hasn’t bought the pipe before the ad expires a week or so down the road I’ll renew it. Just like the CL guidelines say I should.

I don’t know why certain people on this list have taken such exception to this post. Yes, it’s for a part that has seen better days. But the pipe is not junk; it got me to Baja and back a few years ago, no problem. Somebody out there with more skill than money, and the right tools, can make it good as new, and at a cost that’s pennies on the dollar. I’d like to give them that opportunity. That’s what CL is all about.

As far as I can tell I’m not violating any of the CL guidelines. And I won’t let this ad be taken advantage of by a bunch of small minded people acting like grade school playground bullies. Keep flagging and I’ll keep reposting. That’s not overposting; that’s standing up for what’s right.

Got it? Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

This stainless steel head pipe is gen-u-ine BMW and fits the R100GS and/or the R100R. This particular example has seen better days, but is still functional. As you can see in the images, the leg is a bit pinched. It could probably be expanded back out by a muffler shop for a few dollars, but I haven’t tried. With a tubing expander like this one you could fix the thing yourself. BMW gets about $175 for a new head pipe, but if you can make this one work it’s yours for $35. Shoot me an email reply if you’re interested and we can get together. I’m not interested in shipping; it’s too big and you should see for yourself what you’re getting before the purchase.

So there…

Hard times, indeed, for the recently graduated or those without a lot of work experience. Which was the genesis of the blog Living Craigslist. The introductory post:

When you graduate college, the last thing you want to do is find a job pushing paperclips. You have just spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on an education, seemingly worthless now considering even McDonalds has stopped hiring mop boys.

Click for video

With the economy’s implosion widespread enough to cut one New England zoo’s budget (enough to force) keepers to put down 20 percent of its animals, suddenly filling in as the resident paperclip expert seems more appealing.

Unfortunately for me, I never knew a great deal about affixing one piece of paper to another with a curvaceous steel rod. It wasn’t my major in college and I didn’t feel I had it in me to figure it out. Besides I’m more of a staple guy myself. I turned to Craigslist. And why not? I had furnished my dorm room with other people’s futons and found enough odd jobs to help finance my now useless college degree.

Craigslist, it seemed was the only valuable skill I acquired from college.

Here are my rules:

• I will start with $2,500 I have saved from college
• I will have a car, a computer, and cameras to document the experiment
• Services I am currently covered by, Phone, Health and Car insurance will continue; I will however be writing a check to the charity my readers select.
• At no point am I allowed to live out of my car
• I am not allowed to live with someone I know for longer than a week
• I am permitted one large bag containing clothes and a few staple foods for the road
• I am not allowed to initiate contact with someone unless it is through an online interaction

But before we proceed, I need to be completely honest about how I decided to take this journey. I wanted a normal job. I even applied some places to be an apprentice paper clip pusher. I scoured job listings and applied like a mad man. I wrote cover letter after cover letter. Here is an example of a conventional cover letter I sent to a paper in northern New Jersey:

To Whom It May Concern:

I am a recent graduate from American University and just finished working as a reporting intern for USA Today. While there, I contributed award winning enterprise content and handled online production for the Money section dotcom. I have a proven track record for swiftly writing and producing clean, multimedia reports and am confident my skills would carry over to your entry-level reporter position.

My understanding of the Web, comfort with shooting and editing film and photography as well as my eagerness to learn, set me apart from my potential competitors. Additionally, I have enjoyed numerous visits to northern New Jersey with friends and family, and feel relocating to the Tri-state area would be a refreshing and educational experience.

Prior to participation in USA TODAY’s internship program, I worked as a production intern for the CBS Evening News and as an editorial intern at Washingtonpost.com.

Here are a few links to my work.
• http://www.usatoday.com/money/economy/2009-02-04-economy-poll_N.htm
• http://www.usatoday.com/money/perfi/general/2009-04-19-scams-foreclosures_N.htm
• http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/retail/2009-02-11-valentine-day-spending_N.htm

A more thorough history and samples of my clips and photography are available at http://jpaul.info.

I look forward to hearing from you and will follow up with you late next week.

I never heard from that one. And for the most part, I never heard from anyone. I applied to around 180 journalism jobs over a four-month period and received only 12 responses. So I tried something new. I wrote as if no one was reading my cover letters. Like this one for the Howard Stern Show:

To the Human Resources Employee at Sirius XM That Will Never Read This:

To work for the Howard Stern show requires chutzpah. The kind of chutzpah a person needs to ask Larry David if he even knows what getting it on means. (http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=4739945n) The kind of chutzpah needed to handle 180 rejections with grace. The kind of chutzpah I’ve got!

I am a recent graduate from American University and just finished working as a reporting intern for USA Today. In addition to having shameless audacity, my strong journalism background combined with a tireless work ethic seems a perfect fit for your recent opening as a reporter/writer for the Howard Stern Show.

Here are my flaws:

• I am 22-years-old. Hold it against me if your want but I am more eager (or desperate, you choose) and more enthusiastic to work day in and day out for less money than any sane person considers livable.
• I currently live in Washington, D.C. I know this is a little far from Midtown Manhattan, but if I can’t afford the rent, my tent pitching abilities are unrivaled—I hear central park is beautiful in the winter.
• I’m an illegal immigrant…just kidding!

My heart is in New York. Please respond to this application and I’ll be on a bus at a moment’s notice.

I’m still waiting to hear back from that one too.

I did however receive a few responses, like this one from the hiring manager at the Minnesota Premier.

Jason,

We fell into a candidate with 15 years experience who would be perfect for us, plus his wife just got a job at Purdue. However, we have hired eight writers here in the past 18 months, so people come and go quickly. Please stay in touch and thank you for the interest. I am very impressed by your work. Please keep trying.

Thanks.

Ouch!

So I have given up on the cover letter, and I am preparing to load my 2001 Toyota Corolla for a true experiment. Three cities, for three months each, testing my wits and the power of technology. Can I prove it possible to get food from the same place you furnish your living room? Can I live odd job to odd job?

Let’s find out!

You can retroactively follow Jason’s cross-country odyssey of meeting people and working odd-jobs from the beginning, or catch up with him in present circumstances; he’s now in Los Angeles, working at Denny’s, a job he has qualms about:

(M)y Craigslist life and pre-Craigslist self identity are at a crossroad. Working at Denny’s is obviously against so many of the values I hold dearly—conservation, sustainability and health and fitness, to name a few. They have all been put in jeopardy. It goes beyond my unwillingness to eat a meal at Denny’s.

I’m the guy who hadn’t, until a few days ago, walked into a McDonalds and bought something, and even then I only bought coffee. I am the guy who chooses granola over French fries. I am the guy who asks annoying questions in restaurants like, “Who is your yogurt supplier?”

And now I have to ask already overweight costumers if they want a side of pancakes? What?

On the bottom of our menu, and yes I say our—I am a Denny’s team member after all—the dessert section is not just called “Desserts.” No, we take it one step further by telling our customer, “You still have room.” Quite ridiculous when you consider one of our most popular items, a Lumberjack Slam (1170 calories), is a Man V. Food challenge in and of it self. But no, my job is to get you to buy more, spend more, and eat more. And I am surprised to find out, people actually buy desserts.

Who knows what the future holds for Jason? But one thing is clear — it will involve Craigslist.

Restaurant Seeks Sous Chef – POSITION CLOSED, but for the haters…

This position has been filled, but never in my life have I ever received so much hate from a job posting, and I just want to make a few comments. The original posting remains below.

1) For all of those who wished me ill for being such a taker, bastard, and dumb ass for offering minimum wage, you’ll be pleased to know that I actually pay more than minimum. That was just a way to weed out all the people too proud to work at that wage. I want people who view their job as more than just a paycheck; that want to be part of something bigger. I take very good care of my crew and they are extremely loyal. And I am very proud to actually be creating jobs in this economy.

2) I anecdotally heard through the vine that I somehow offended the crews at F2F and Jory for saying they had nice six-figure kitchens. I don’t know how that ruffled feathers and as far as I’m concerned we’re all in this boat together, so good for you for being in sweet set-ups. I only wish I could be as well equipped as you.

3) For all of you that understood my ad and gave me great responses, including the people that commented on it even though they weren’t interested or qualified for the job, thanks for being part of a better culinary culture and wanting this valley to progress. Maybe I’ll send you all invites to our soft opening when we’re ready. Thanks!

The Original Posting:

I’m the chef/owner of a new start-up restaurant in Newberg aiming for “Affordable Fine Dining,” and am looking for a sous chef/assistant to help me in the kitchen. I’m putting together a small, tight knit staff that needs to work well together, so it is important that you have both awesome kitchen skills as well as the right personality to play nice in the sandbox.

First and foremost you must have a passion for fine food and wine, and secondly have an incredible work ethic and sense of efficiency, while at the same time not being a prima donna at all. I structure my kitchen as a team instead of assigned positions, so you’ll be expected to do a little of everything, from cleaning and dishes and garbage detail to prep and working the line for service.

You must be super reliable. You are part of a very small team and are not replaceable on short notice. If you have chronic car problems, get sick all the time, or can’t work an alarm clock, don’t reply to this ad.

A big part of the job is keeping me clean and organized. Not that I am a pig, but having someone working with me setting up my next task and finishing my last maximizes my productivity. At the same time you’ll also be expected to be able to think for yourself and work independently. You will be allowed to gravitate towards your strengths and be encouraged to learn new skills.

Speaking of learning, you’ll learn a lot. I’m a good teacher and have been doing this for a while. A couple of years with me beats $50,000 in student loans (and if you happen to already have those loans I’ll still be happy to consider you).

It’s all about the atmosphere. I run a calm yet pumping kitchen. No throwing, yelling, or screaming; no FOH/BOH battles; no panicking, freaking out, or otherwise losing it. Instead we are professional, focused, in good humor, and all working towards the same goal: putting out great food, satisfying our clients, having a good time, kicking ass, and making some money. We’re cool, in control, and have our shit together. Kindness, respect, and civility are the order of the day (except for the swearing like pirates part). Historically I have hired a statistically more significant number of women than men, for whatever that is worth.

You need to be somewhat local. If you are commuting from Vancouver or NoPo it’s probably not going to work out. I’m in Newberg.

No Vegetarians or Vegans. As far as I know I’m still legally allowed to discriminate against veggies, and if that offends you, you probably don’t want to work for me. And it’s not that I don’t like vegetables; I just can’t wrap my head around someone loving food and not eating tasty animals.

Unlike some of the restaurants that have opened in Yamhill county recently (F2F, Jory, etc.), I’m not working with an unlimited budget, so you won’t be working out of a pristine six-figure kitchen facility. But you’ll learn how to make a ghetto kitchen sing, which has some value.

The starting pay is minimum wage, with maybe a bit of an increase if you have some special skills. Yeah, all of the above expectations and minimum wage. I would love to pay my crew more, but I am unapologetically a start-up, and until I generate some income everyone works for minimum. Pay rates will increase when the economy improves. But, no kidding, we’re going to be really big in no time (and that is not naive exuberance talking). The current benefit package is free food and a bottomless bottle of Advil.

I’ve got a kick-ass waitstaff in place, and am ready to shore up my kitchen staff, and then we are ready to rock. If this tirade sounds anything like you, send me an appropriate response!

Still, some people in Craigslist Free Stuff have been — as the British say — “taking the piss.” That is, in hopes of getting the junk off their property, they post items that only the truly desperate would want. Of course, these are desperate times, so it may be hard to distinguish any more between what may be valued and what’s completely useless to anyone.

The blog Item Not as Described, however, tries to do just that. The site features various postings of items offered for free on the Web, sent in by readers. From the About section:

Some examples:

Wicker furniture

Ad:
“The rocking chair and settee are very very old.”

Blog description:
Very, very old. Like, Civil War old. In fact, I’m pretty sure this furniture fought in the Civil War. I don’t know where that hole could have come from other than the Battle of Gettysburg.

Homemade motorcycle

Ad:
I have a homemade bike me and my brother built many years ago. Runs and drives but the back tire kind of rides sideways. The seat blew out a few years ago and I made do with a sofa cushion, duct tape and a couple of 2x 4’s ( the ultimate fix! ). It runs like a champ but does smoke alot especially if you are hard on the gas. Uses about a quart of oil for each gas fillup. I usually just put the oil directly in the gas as it is going to burn it anyway and that way it is easy. Can’t drive over 12 miles or so at a time as the motor gets red hot and starts loosing power so probably a good bike for someone who drives locally. Does backfire and squeel pretty loud occasionally so I usually wear earplugs of some kind. DOES NOT pass emissions so would need to be registered in a county without emissions check. Great first bike otherwise!

Blog description:
It’s the new Death Wish 1200, just in time for the 2010 model year. Illegal here in the U.S. (we’re kind of safety-crazed), but popular in Kyrgyzstan, where the “Mad Max” movies are considered reality programming. Comes with a replica of the outfit worn by Mel Gibson in “Beyond Thunderdome.” Tina Turner’s outfit is available as an option.

Old freezer

Ad:
I was visiting my grandfather and he wanted to get rid of this old freezer. He used it for deer. He said it was working last time he used it, but he has since cut the chord. It is very heavy.

Blog description:
If you want your item to go from ugly to menacing, we have a pro-tip for you that this guy already knows – night photography. It makes anything scary. Anything:

See? It’s a playhouse. One that looks like it’s inhabited by a play Blair Witch.

And on it goes. Other free items pictured on the site: broken concrete, a wood shed, and a casket. Well, that last one will actually set you back $1500. Hopefully it isn’t used.

I’ll wear your silly costume (Louisville)

Times are tough these days, and we all need a little help to get ahead. I’m offering my services to put on whatever costume your business uses, (gorilla costume, statue of liberty, etc.) to promote whatever you need to promote. I’ve got experience looking dumb and holding stuff. email me, lets make the magic happen.

Re: Ratan and Wood book shelf (Chico, CA)

For the love of God, must you post this same ugly bookshelf every single day? I’ve seen it on this site at least 30 times. Give us a break for a few days would you. Nobody wants it. It’s ugly. Try lowering the price. Try setting it in front of your house with a free sign on it. Try anything, but please get a clue…Oh and by the way it’s “rattan” with a double t, not “ratan.” Now please take a break!!

Antique furniture from former CEO’s office (New York)

It has come to our attention that there is a great deal of value in the furniture that is no longer needed from the office of a former CEO. We have decided to put it up for sale….The buyer must be willing to come in the middle of the night to haul away as we do not want any additional people to see it than necessary. If needed a driver can be provided for an extra charge. The buyer must also sign a non-disclosure agreement saying they will not sell pictures to the press or speak to anyone about where the furniture was acquired or how much was paid.

The items are as follows:

Antique area rug, has some spots that are worn down from pacing but easily covered with other furniture $87K

Sofa, has been slept in a few times but is very comfortable $15K

Velvet curtains, very similar to the curtains from Gone With the Wind $28K

George IV Desk, rarely used $18K

Chandelier, still sparkles despite the current economic environment $37 K

Mirror with silver frame, has a few kiss marks we are trying to get off $5K

Mahogany pedestal table, might have been stood upon but still in great shape $25K

Off-white parchment waste-can, perfect for shredded documents $1,400

Executive life for sale (or repo) (Detroit)

…what I have for sale is a life of debt, illusions and bill collectors

I think for $1,000,000 I’ll let it go. The price will include an equipment-only fabrication shop, a beautiful house in the country 3,500 sqft, 30 x 40 barn, 13 acres; ahh the American dream! It will also buy you 12 useless employees, 4 large break-even contracts and a business name that has become completely ruined because CORPORATE AMERICA SUCKS d*!%. I have however made it 5 years so I guess I beat the statistic…

Chrysler financial, you can have my diesel truck back…stop calling me five times a day and come get the piece of s*&$.

Btw, how do you expect people to pay your late charges if they can’t even make the regular payment? Also if you called me on Tuesday I bet my situation won’t be any different Wednesday. f*&$ you I’m going to hide it

American Express I was a good customer to you. Once I was 10 days late you canceled my card. You will never get your money.

53rd I would really like to keep my camper but if you insist on coming to get it because I’m 45 days late come and get it. I’ve got a !*&$ing tent. Chrysler’s going to take my !*&$ng truck and I’m sure my S-10 won’t pull it. Bring a f!*&$ng shovel because there’s 8 feet of snow pushed in front of it because all it f&$ing does is snow around here…

The only thing in my life I won’t sell is my 4 year old daughter, my very sexy supportive wife and the dog. You can have the rest of the illusion.

Material bull&*!$. We learned our lesson.

Love to tell you more but I’ve got to search for a job so I can pay taxes to support all the Bailout money we gave the people that are going to repo my &*!$and put America in this situation…

Don’t think the dollar illusion can go on much longer. Keep the faith protect your kids. Your family is all that matters

A Broke Michigan resident

Ass for Cash (San Francisco Bay Area)Can’t afford to take care of Donkey anymore. He’s in good health, very friendly and only mildly stinky. It is expensive to care for him though. I am selling him for 500 bucks (Got him for 2,000). Totally worth it. You pick him up.

Republican governor for sale (Charlotte)

Here in South Carolina we have a governor who wants to turn down stimulus funds for education. We are not happy about this, but, heck, apparently there are people out there who admire this guy.

So, if you and your state want this guy, you give us your stimulus money and we’ll give you Mark Sanford.

This deal is contingent on the following:

- A majority of the voters in South Carolina must agree that they’d rather have stimulus funds than Mark Sanford and…
- A majority of the voters in your state must agree that they would rather have Mark Sanford than their stimulus funds.

Please let us know when you have held a referendum on this matter. The Governor will go to the bidding state with the most stimulus money offered.

Thank you, employers! (Las Vegas)

Dear employers with job openings,

I just want to take a moment to thank all the companies that now only use online applications for the jobs for which I am best qualified. I’m so happy to know that in the past eight years, you have dropped the practice of requesting well written resumes (which took the place of having me come into your place of business in person and fill out an application by hand) and now for convenience, give me the opportunity to waste my f***ing time trying to guess what it is you want me to write in your online application fields in eight words or less, what work I’ve done that will make you call me for an interview. Because of this new-found simple-mindedness, I can guarantee that you will have the weakest, most uninteresting, unmotivated new-hires EVER!

Because I have had to have more than three jobs in the past eight years, at which I have excelled, some of which I was laid-off from due to down-sizing, and most of which are your competitors in the marketplace, you will never know what I have done because you only allow three previous employers in your simple, automated application program or only want experience from the past five years.

Because I have always been capable of doing more than one thing at a time, you will never know that as a free-lance writer/costume designer/photographer, what I have done Monday through Friday to support myself quite well is to be the most efficient, bright, hard-working, easy-going, intelligent and dependable administrative assistant an employer could wish for. But you will never know that because your measly-ass job application program is only looking for words your witless HR staff has programmed it to look for and then spitting out applications by people like myself with a form email thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck.

Thank you also for the Myers-Briggs psychometric type test to see if I actually would be able to sit next to another person and not drive them crazy.

Thank you for sparing me the waste of my time outshining most of your other staff in their presence by having me come in to your office in person, dressed to the nines, flashing my intensely alert eyes at you, and shaking your hand with confidence, yet sensitively. You wouldn’t hire me anyway because I’m probably more interesting than you and therefore a threat.

You have saved me from the humiliation of taking a position with a company that probably has the dullest, most unadventurous, most boring staff that has been hired through this elimination process of an online application to which you have given ultimate authority to decide, only by the selection of some dozen or so “key” words, to interview.

And we wonder why there are banks going under, businesses making toxic loans, stock market losses, medical errors, corruption, Bernie Madoffs in the world…

Yours very truly,

The one that got away

Screw shoveling and you can all kiss my butt, too (Minneapolis)

Dear Neighbor -

I’m not gonna shovel out the walk, so you might as well call me in now.

I work 12-14 hour days. My wife left almost a year ago to go relive her college days and saddled me with the mortgage and car payment…

Thanks for the dirty look when I saw you out walking YOUR unleashed *!^%-machine-on-four-legs this morning…

Hey, a*$! Guess what? I’m not an independent consultant or whatever the *!^% it is you told me your job is… I’m a sales manager. I get up early, go to the office, slug it out listening to salespeople tell me that our customers won’t buy our services in this economy until well after you’ve had your supper, and typically make it home about the time you’re settling in to watch Real Housewives of Orange County…

I’m beat when I get home. I eat a sandwich, pet the dog a little, sort the mail, and wish my wife wasn’t a… &!%* for Carlson School of Management’s Spring ’09 MBA candidates, each of whom is gonna…defend a dissertation, get offered a job without having to make a meaningful search, and earn six times more money at age 22 with no experience than I am at age 40 with a BS in marketing and 18 years never once having missed quota for base-plus-ten-percent.

The LAST thing on my mind in these moments of lamentation is putting on the Carhartts and shoveling out the sidewalk when it’s -15 degrees. I gotta get up in six hours and get back to the office. I work for a living, and to tell you the truth, when you called the City to complain earlier this year about snow on the sidewalk and I got the $30 invoice from the City for them to come by with their brush-blower, I happily paid it. It was worth the $30 to not have to go out and stand in the wind for 30 minutes.

So this is your fair warning, oh neighbor of mine…might as well call me in now, because it ain’t getting any warmer the rest of this week, my job ain’t getting any less demanding, and as far as I know, my wife has every intention of continuing to let the next generation of useless MBAs… Which means I have the perfect combination of prohibitive temperatures, discretionary income, and anger at humanity in general to keep paying the city to clear the sidewalk…well into Spring.

More snow on the way!

Wanted: Roadkill

I want your roadkill. Why, might you ask? Simple. I drive around and regularly see 1-2 deer a week on the side of the road, rotting. Since an average deer has about 80-120 pounds of usable venison on it, its a shame that all that meat is wasted…

If you happen to hit a deer (or larger animal, although I don’t think we have many of those in southern Virginia), you can bring the animal to me, and I’ll carve it up for you, and split the meat 50/50. I hunt, and I do my own butchering, so it doesn’t take too long for me, and I enjoy it…

1. It has to be a deer or bigger. I’m not carving up a flat squirrel for you.
2. It must be less than a day old.
3. You have to call the police after your accident. The cops come out and issue you a permit so that you legally own the deer.
4. You bring the animal to me.
5. I’ll cut up the animal and give half the meat to you in sealed bags. I’ll even label it, so you’ll know what cuts you’re getting. You eat it and enjoy!

Of course, you may feel odd eating roadkill. I mean, that’s a redneck thing, right? Absolutely untrue. For starters, you’re using meat that would normally be wasted, so its good for the environment. Venison is leaner (deer don’t sit on big farms eating corn), healthier (no injected hormones here!), and tastier (there is no such thing as “gamey” meat. That’s just anti-hunters trying to justify themselves) than beef. Plus, you get it for nothing…

Start enjoying the meat of your unfortunate labors!

Dear aquarium sellers… (Dallas)

Contrary to popular belief there is no shortage of 55 gallon freshwater tanks.

In fact, at Walmart you can buy a complete 55 gallon setup minus fish and gravel (and a few decorations) for around 90.00, add some fish and gravel a few decorations, and you pay around 130.00.

For a BRAND NEW tank.

At Petco, or Petsmart the same tank is around 150.00, so with fish and gravel 180.00.

So explain how your used tank, with the same items, is worth 350.00? 500.00?…

No one cares what you paid for it, I paid 42k for my pickup 5 years ago, you think I am getting 42k for it back? You think anyone goes out, buys something, uses it for a few years, then can sell it for what they paid for it new? Are you smoking something?

Latrine style room (SF Bay Area)Luxurious, high end, beautiful, sumptuous – that’s how others have described our bathroom. And that is what you would be living in – an ultra high end room that’s 20×24 and happens to have extremely high end fixtures in it!

The sinks are designed to look like long latrines – so is the tub. It’s very World War 1 French Country but with extremely ultra modern light Henri Bendelish soft glow fixtures. Sounds kinda schizophrenic, but it was in vogue when the designer picked it.

Built at the peak of the dot com era, we thought we would be able to use the bathroom for what it was – a place to bathe and defecate and primp and soothe.

But with the economy being what it is, we must rent it out. The floor space in the middle is huge – 12×15 and you can sprawl out any way you wish!

The only thing is we require that you remove all your stuff every morning (after you bathe of course) so that we can maintain the appearance of wealth even though we don’t have much money these days. We are meeting with venture capitalists and have a new technology we are trying to showcase and we bring investors over all the time and we don’t want them knowing we have somebody living in our bathroom.

But if you want to live on Nob Hill and have a beautiful daytime view, this is your place!

PS – we aren’t racist, but we do want people who fit our image and personal brand aesthetic. No bargain shoppers, manual laborers or people who look comfortable on public transportation.

PSA for those selling 80s furniture (Phoenix)

I’ve been scouring these furniture listings for a while now and I can clearly see that some of you need a little help in moving your items.. here are some tips for those of you who somehow still have your 1980s decor:

1. Calling something “eames era,” “vintage,” or “elegant” doesn’t make it so. In fact, that “eames era” of which you speak… Charles died in 1978, so your 1980s horrific dining set isn’t covered. Give the poor man a break, he had taste. The only thing produced in his name after his death was the Eames Sofa, google it. I’m pretty sure you don’t have one. His wife, Ray was still alive for another ten years, but she’s not taking responsibility for your ugly stuff either.

2. If you’ve listed this hideous 1980s item for more than $40, you’re grossly overestimating your market. I know, I know, you thought to yourself, “With the right amount of love and restoration, this could be a really classic piece.” Let me tell you something, potheads don’t have any money and if they do, they spend it on pot, not hideous couches from 1986.

3. That upholstered item you’re selling? It’s so dirty I can smell it through my computer. If I were you, I would be offering cash to the first person who could take it into the desert and shoot it, burn it, anything to get the smell out of my house. Clean it up or give it away, please don’t relist it for the fifth (or fifteenth.. you know who you are) day in a row for $200.

Hope this helps and if any of you actually DO have an Eames sofa that you want to sell me for $75, give me a shout out. I’ll gladly take it off of your hands just as soon as I’m done smoking this joint.

Diary of a UVM Student Protester (Vermont)

8:25 – Wake up after late night discussing the plight of the working class and how the University Administration is so bloated and overpaid. Text Dad on IPhone to ask when I can expect my monthly allowance. Dress in new jeans and cool gas station attendant shirt with “Hal” name patch on it.

9:40 – Go to breakfast and, in a sign of solidarity with those UVM employees being fired, only have two bowls of cereal so that I might feel the pain of starvation that those less fortunate feel…

10:05 – Call Housing Services and demand explanation about why dorms now only have basic cable. Surf web for Che Guevara poster for dorm room. Call Mom about allowance, no answer.

11:15 – Head downtown to kill some time before protest – classes are so bourgeois and a total waste of time. Text friends to plan next trip to Montreal. Call Mom again, but Dave, her new husband, answers. Ask about allowance, Dave says he’ll call after he goes to gym. Find cool flip flops at Urban Outfitters…

3:00 – Go to President Vogel’s Office for sit-in. Disappointed I did not get to yell banalities into bullhorn, but did get choice spot near front entrance, sure to be on camera. Text friends to tell them to watch news for me. Start chants – found it hard to text and chant at same time. Swap dreadlocking tips with guy sitting next to me, as well as best place to get pedicure.

5:10 – Getting bored – no tear gas, no fiery speeches, nothing cool to tell friends about…

6:18 – Still bored – some members of the Administration asked me to move so they could get out of the office. They were not intimidated by wrathful glare. Need to use bathroom.

9:50 – Cops show up, order us to disperse. We yell, chant, and show our strength and commitment to the struggle. Wonder if there is still time to hit Smuggs for some late season skiiing. Cops shrug and place us under arrest.

10:14 – Being led out to van by cop. Hands me a citation to appear for trespass. Wonder if I can use my Amex to pay fine.

10:35 – Head out with friends to the Three Needs and talk about how alternative and rebellious we are, and how far we have come from Teaneck, Bernardsville, Bala Cynwyd, and Long Island. Plan protest for next day to call for lower tuition and divestment from companies we don’t like.

12:45 – Stumble back to dorm, confident that my efforts today maje a huge difference in the world. Wonder if next seven years of college will all be as inspiring as this.

To the Debt Collector Harassing Me at Work (Pittsburgh)

Your voice is quite charming in a sleazy, condescending, I-Get-Paid-To-Harrass-People kind of way. You must be so good with the ladies – I can picture you on a date, with that deep “I am full of self-importance” voice, asking her “So am I to file you under deadbeat mistress because you won’t sleep with me after knowing me for an hour?”

I am assuming you are either 1. Just out of college and eager to prove yourself by threatening a faceless person on the telephone, 2. A wannabe lawyer who is not smart enough to ever pass the BAR exam and therefore miserable in life, or 3. Someone who was picked on a lot in high school and believes this job is his calling to get revenge on all those bullies who made life a living hell.

Ours is definitely a missed connection, because after the first threatening phone call, I instructed our receptionist to screen all calls from you. Sad, but where I work, as I informed you several times, I cannot continue to speak to you without raising my voice, and unfortunately I cannot tell you everything I really want to say, as I am in public and do not want my coworkers to hear the trash language I would use.

You see, debt collector, my bills have always been paid on time. I am not a deadbeat, nor do I avoid paying my credit cards. But when you have a bank like Bank of America, who gets $20 billion dollars of US tax payers money, then turns around and changes credit card interest rates from 10% to 29.99% with no explanation, increases the monthly minimum amount due from $150 to $675 and turns your account over to a bottom feeder collection agency after two months because their customer could only pay $300 each of those months, there is a problem.

And the problem does not lie with me. Like millions of other Americans who work hard every single day and are struggling, I am not rolling around on a pile of bailout money. I am not buying up other banks and then changing the credit card rules because I can. I am not an executive of Bank of America who lives in a $4 million mansion and flies to exotic places on a private jet while millions of people lose their homes and their lives.

I am, in fact, a college-educated professional who is completely dumbfounded by the state of this country. In fact, I bet the money you say I owe that I am more educated, smarter and make more money than you. I simply don’t make enough to pay you the thousands of dollars you claim I owe you today “or else”. By the way – those fees and surcharges totalling more than $2000 that you tacked on to my Bank of America account balance is not going to fly.

So here’s what I shall do to ensure that we are not just another missed connection.

The next time you call me at work, I will take your call. I will also record the call, since it is illegal for you to continue calling at my place of employment once I have requested that you stop.

I will submit the tape to my attorney, along with my intent to sue you for harrassment, threats and stalking, along with emotional distress (I had to have two glasses of wine to calm my nerves after your call!)

And then I will sit back with my family, relax and know that eventually, this matter will be settled and behind me, and I will continue my life of love and laughter.

You, on the other hand, will still be at your dirty little desk, dressed in your dingy suit and tie, calling other “deadbeats” and lashing out at them because it makes your own pitiful little life seem less empty.

Dear Future Hipster Neighbor (Portland)

Dear Future late 20/early 30 Hipster Neighbor from the Mid-west/South/Idaho:

I know you are the coolest kid in Iowa/Ohio/Idaho/Texas/Florida/etc but…

While scanning CL for a cool vintage apartment near Hawthorne or Alberta, a sweet barista job and a new fixie to ride around on once you arrive, please reconsider your decision, and please do not move here.

There aren’t any jobs for the people who already live here….

Regards,

Your previous future neighbor

Small space for right roommate (SF Bay Area)

We have a limited time offer for a “nook” in our living room. The nook is currently home to my bike and is 6′ x 3′. It is perfect for someone who needs a little respite between apartments and has a comfy sleeping bag. The nook has wall to wall carpeting and has a window to private patio. Though it’s located in the main living room, you will be assured privacy by the entertainment center and nearby couch. We have limited space in our closet for your things, mostly it’s a room for the water heater, our suitcases, and a baby doll on a stick…

The rent: Negotiable per above standards
Availability: Now through mutually determined date

————————————————————————————

Me: wanting to buy cheap sod. You: selling sod but not answering emails – w4m (Minneapolis)

You posted an ad that promised nice sod at a great price. I responded promptly, excited that your offer and my need of cheap sod could coincide so conveniently…Then I checked my email every hour on the hour, anxiously awaiting your response. I never got one! How could that happen? I sent another e-mail and then, just to make sure, I tested both e-mail addresses to make sure they were working. Well, they are! Yet here I sit, still waiting for a response…

What gives?! Do you have cheap sod or not? Are you just using Craigslist to test the waters and see if you’ve “still got it” sod-wise? Are you just some sod-bot and not a real person? Was my need for sod somehow not enough for you? Was it because I’m seeking an NSA (Need Sod ASAP) relationship with a sod purveyor and you’re looking more for an LTR (Lawn Term Relationship)? Now I feel like I’m in the lawncare version of “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Do I send yet another email or would that seem “psycho” at this point?…All I want is some freaking grass on my freaking black dirt at a good price.

Well, if I don’t hear from you today I’m moving on. I’ve got needs, and obviously you’re either not serious or you’re picky about who gets a piece of your grass. I didn’t even mention it in my email but if you’d answered you’d have found out I have plenty of bare patches for some lucky sod guy. But I guess someone else will get to lay those.

Woodchuck – Groundhog meat – free (Grand Rapids)

We have a very fat, adult woodchuck/groundhog that has decimated our pole bean crop and consumed, in one 24 hour period, our entire broccoli patch, leaving empty broccoli stems as a stark reminder of what might have been.

The animal has been fed organic garden vegetables all summer to date, so I guess you could say he is “organic”…

We have a live-trap set this evening and considering the bait is watermelon, a woodchuck favorite, I’m sure we will have a woodchuck to give away Sunday morning sometime.

It is illegal to relocate wildlife in Michigan and this woodchuck needs to be dispatched humanely….

Not wanting the animal to be wasted, the proposition is this. If you want the animal for food purposes, you are welcome to take it, but you must be prepared to dispatch the animal and take the carcass with you (you may field dress it if you like)…

Woodchuck recipes can be located here:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/05/garden/05woodrecipe.html…

Going out of Life Sale (Western Mass.)

Almost everything must go from my 2 family house, the Bank wants to foreclose on 9/11(i’m serious about the date). 1 black Amana fridge, 1 stove, $75 each. 2 microwaves $50 each. 2 A/C’s $50 each. A few portable heaters at $30 each. 4 star trek models, $20 (collectibles), and spider-man comics from early 90′s (price negotiable from serious collectors). my own artwork(i’m not famous, but my work is bizarre)…

Also will be selling my blood (has been checked for everything and i’m clean), my sperm (i’m also from good stock), my kidneys (barely used), 1 liver (lots of mileage, not the best organ in my body), and my heart which has been broken, but it is still strong enough for someone suitable…and my soul….

Open letter to people selling old TVs (Dallas)

Hey you, yeah you, the guy selling his old tube or projection TV. Can we chat? I want to introduce you to a couple of my friends.

First meet my friend Chuck Obsolescence. He’s the guy who tells me that your stuff is out of date and not worth even 10% of what you paid for it 5 years ago. You probably don’t even have HDMI.

Next, you should get to know one of the best guys, he goes by the nickname “The Economy is in the toilet, so people are selling stuff cheap to just get cash.” He brings a spirit of truth to the party…

Just a quick phone call away is my pal Johnny Walmart. I called him up and he’s selling a brand new 50″ PLASMA TV for $898, and 40″ LCDs for $475. That makes me wonder who’s smoking crack when they’re trying to sell a 10 year old 32″ Sony WEGA TUBE TV for $500 or a massive upright-piano-sized rear-projection set for $600…

Please note that old TVs should be kept in the $50 to $100 range. If they’re not working, NO ONE will pay $200 and then another $400 to try to fix it. I’ll come haul it away for $200 if you want though…

Thanks, I’m glad we had this chat.

Trade gay porn for bookshelf assembly (New York)

Hi Handymen!

I have 2 small bookcases that need to be assembled – this is not my strong point.
but I do have a large collection of gay male porn to pick from.

Trade?? 3 movies per bookshelf? 6 FREE PORNS for your time?
bargain!

Looking forward to hearing from you…

mr. P

Lost: Self Confidence (Pittsburgh)

Lost: Self confidence. Last seen downtown on 4/24 when company downsized, and at the airport on 5/15 when long-distance girlfriend revealed extra-curricular activity with another before departing. Began search on 4/27 looking in Monroeville, Oakland, and downtown but with no success since no one is hiring. Continued search on 5/29 on Carson street but inevitably had no good response to “what do you do?” If found, please email the above address. Reward available.