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A pariah speaks

Jon Brooks — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 20:45:50 +0000

I am a Bill Collector, ask me anything.

Extracts:

Question:

I’ve had my share of ER bills and more than a few of them have gone unpaid. When the collection agency starts calling, I tried to politely explain that I just couldn’t pay because I didn’t have any money. I have lost my temper on a few occasions, particularly when a debt collector suggested I take out a loan to pay my unpaid medical bills. So my question is this: how much influence do you have over an individual’s credit rating? At what point does the uncollected bill start to effect my credit rating? If I start ranting and raving at you, do you just press a button that says I defaulted or didn’t pay or something like that?

Reply:

Every time i contact a person i make a note of it on my system. Everytime you tell me something that is worthwhile i note it. If you say you are expecting a tax return or getting an inheritance or mention an available balance. .. Sometimes my company does the credit reporting and sometimes the company does the credit reporting. Every client is different; some request credit reporting at 30 days some request at 110 days and some don’t credit report at all.

Question:

Any crazy stories you wanna share?

Reply:

I did have a gentleman threaten to come to my office and kill me. He then went into great detail as to how he was going to accomplish this. I was just trying to help him prevent litigation; he wasn’t having it.

Response to the reply:

Having worked in collections for a few years, I can safely say that after the first few months, hardly anything gets to you. There was a time when the local economy was really bad and I was getting death threats on a weekly basis and it just made my day. Like covering the phone while laughing my ass off. Same goes for my coworkers. Those that last awhile anyway. I don’t think this makes us bad people, but when subjected to this kind of shit you just become numb. (Some) things got to me though;

First, mothers crying over the phone telling you they can’t afford to feed their children (Seriously how are we supposed to deal with that?)

(Also), people that actually are or do a really good over-the-phone impression of someone possessed. Going all Book of revelations on me is only going to piss me off and sign you up for some extra costly legal letters.

Question:

Is there anything I can do to get out of a bill collecting? Just not answer for so long? Make up a sob story? Anything?

Reply:

You could send a letter to the collection agency stating that you wish them to cease and desist all contact with you. I have heard EVERY sob story and i am pretty much heartless. i don’t care about your personal problem i am just focused on the money. Sounds heartless but its how i pay my bills too!

Question:

I’ve had the same cell phone number for close to 2 years, but the jerk who previously owned the number STILL GIVES IT OUT. I keep getting calls from his creditors, and they won’t believe me when I say I am not him. Is there any way I can actually convince these bill collectors or is there a good way I can burn the jerk who gives out a phone number he lost more than 2 years ago?

Reply:

I would try telling the creditors that they are calling you at work. Once they know its a work number the have to LEGALLY stop calling.

Question:

What does bill collecting entail, besides the obvious?

Reply:

I do searching for new numbers to people who we cannot contact. I advise people who are in debt how to resolve them and give consequences doe non payment.

Good to go

Jon Brooks — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 18:36:39 +0000

Another entry from Reddit’s Ask Me Anything feature.

I’ve been fired from 30 different companies and I’m not yet 25

Question: How do you get hired over and over again?

Answer: I used to list only the most recent three and lie about the dates in which I was employed. Now, I site my side IT jobs as a business and that allows me to list many as independent contracts.

Comment: You know some people say, it’s not you, it’s me? Yeah, it’s you.

Answer: Oh definitely. The biggest reason I get the ax is because I’m a huge prick.

Comment: Hey man, at least you’re upfront about it. Props for that.

Comment: Well, that clearly doesn’t solve anything. Being an ahole is pretty disrespectful, regardless of whether he admits to it or not. Also, the fact he’s been fired 30 times and still doesn’t change is almost laughable.

Comment: Now there’s a straight shooter with upper-management written all over him. What if – and believe me this is a hypothetical – but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option equity sharing program. Would that do anything for you?

Answer: I’m thinking not. If it was offered, I’d probably take it, then get pissed when people didn’t do things my way. I would openly express my views and get the ax. I’ve been in similar situations- not upper management and stock options, but having a vested interest.

Question: What do you do to get fired?

Answer: It differs somewhat from job to job, but I can name a few. I was canned for getting caught with my mouth on the shake machine at a certain fast food chain. I got caught making out with an electronics girl at a department store in a back room. I’ve been in several name-calling arguments with managers in front of customers or other employees. A couple have been no call/no shows. Had a customer’s car’s oil pan drain out for a quarter mile down the road. I’ve been accused of being too harsh in emails, too condescending over the phone, and rude in person.

Comment: No offense, but grow up. Jesus.. you’re 25 dude. This isn’t excusable after 16.

Comment: He’s got upper management written all over him.

Read the complete conversation here.

Pretend Office

Jon Brooks — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 15:38:17 +0000

If you’ve been unemployed a long time, perhaps you miss the kind of electronic back-and-forth that goes on in an office. If so, check out Pretend Office. Here’s a description:

A few times over the past couple of years I’ve discussed with freelancing friends how we miss out on some of the aspects of working in a proper company: the Christmas lunch, the after-work drinks, the fire alarm tests. All that bonding. A couple of us thought that maybe we should start an email list to compensate in some way, although we weren’t quite sure what it would be for. Maybe we’d just send round stupid videos and fail to organise a get-together in December, but it might be fun. So I set up the Pretend Office mailing list with no expectations.

And a weird thing happened.

With no planning, we all started acting as if we were people in a real office. Almost immediately we began to adopt characters and send officious announcements. Soon we were referring to characters in the office who didn’t exist in real life. Meeting rooms were booked, couriers arrived, servers went down, timesheets were requested, and embarrassing emails were accidentally sent to everyone in the company.

Here are all the email messages about pretend matters, sorted by pretend thread, pretend subject, pretend author, and pretend date.

One funny thread:

[Everyone] server downtime tonight

Can I remind everybody that the fileserver (ie, your N and Q drives)
will be going offline at

***5PM***

today for about an hour? We are upgrading its version of Windows NT. I
understand this is inconvenient but it is a CRITICAL upgrade, and it
has been scheduled to cause minimum inconvenience.

So: make sure you’re not using your N or Q drive by 5pm, please. We
should be back up by the morning.

Tom.

(also: we know about the photocopier on the third floor. We can’t fix
it, it’s a building services issue, so please stop emailing IT support
about it).
–
Tom
IT Support
“Have you tried turning it off and on again?”

RE: [Everyone] server downtime tonight

What is up with the photocopier on the third floor? It never works. IT
support – SORT IT OUT!!!!!

Russell
(Offsites, insights, upsights)
Do you really need to print this email? Why not do it anyway?

RE: [Everyone] server downtime tonight

It hasn’t worked since SOMEONE WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS decided to
photocopy their nether regions at the Christmas party. There’s always
one, isn’t there?

—-
Zelda
Quantitative Arbitrage Requantifier

RE: [Everyone] server downtime tonight

Just a note from the legal eagles:

ongoing disciplinary issues should not be the subject of company discussion.

Thanks
RE: [Everyone] server downtime tonight

Hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ben
Snr Deputy Exec Assistant
UK London Office / East
Skype: ben_snr_dep_exe_ass
Cell/Mob: 07999 123 456
Direct: 020 7777 4472
Direct Fax: 020 7777 4672
Office: 020 7777 4444
Office Fax: 020 7777 4666
IM: ben_snr_dep_exe_ass
Please don’t print this email unless you really, really need to.
Thanks. Think about the trees. Thanks!!
Runner Up: Snr Deputy Exec Assistant Awards 07
Anyone want to rent a room? Clean, non smoking, no pets. IM me for details.
“You know, I think that R2 unit we bought may have been stolen.”
RE: [Everyone] server downtime tonight

Oh f***, did that go to everyone in the office?

Sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ben
Snr Deputy Exec Assistant
UK London Office / East
Skype: ben_snr_dep_exe_ass
Cell/Mob: 07999 123 456
Direct: 020 7777 4472
Direct Fax: 020 7777 4672
Office: 020 7777 4444
Office Fax: 020 7777 4666
IM: ben_snr_dep_exe_ass
Please don’t print this email unless you really, really need to. Thanks.
Think about the trees. Thanks!!
Runner Up: Snr Deputy Exec Assistant Awards 07
Anyone want to rent a room? Clean, non smoking, no pets. IM me for details.
“You know, I think that R2 unit we bought may have been stolen.”

Your dream job visualized

Jon Brooks — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 10:30:01 +0000

From the book How to Keep Your Cool if You Lose Your Job, via Recessionwire, a chart designed to help you visualize your current level of job satisfaction, or desired level if you’re unemployed.

Laying off the wrong person

Jon Brooks — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 10:00:10 +0000

The head of a management consulting firm writes on his Harvard Business Review blog that companies sometimes lay off relative underperformers simply because nobody understands exactly what they do.

When the wrong person is fired, it hurts everyone involved — the person and his or her company. There’s a better way to solve this problem and a worse way. The worse way first: If you’re an employee and want to protect yourself, you can do two things:

1. Be excellent. The more effectively you deliver on your goals the less likely you’ll be let go. Employers value productivity.

2. Be confusing. The more ambiguously you achieve your goals the more difficult it will be to fire you. Employers fear uncertainty.

There are two problems with this. One, it might backfire. Being too opaque could get you fired, especially if you’re not quite as excellent as you think. And two, while this strategy might help you as an individual, it hurts the company which, eventually, will hurt you as an individual.

We got ourselves into this economic mess in part because leaders didn’t understand what was going on in their own companies. While tying a Gordian knot may help individuals keep their jobs, untying it will help the businesses stay viable. That’s the critical challenge facing industry today.

The full post here.

Wear your resume

Jon Brooks — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 04:00:51 +0000

Sounds like a piece of can-do advice from a job recruiter, but we mean it literally.

Now you can print your resume on your tee-shirt.

From damnIneedAjob.com:

The shirt costs $25 (plus $3 shipping). Add three bucks if outside the continental United States. Upon submission of this form you will be directed to PayPals secure site where you can use your PayPal account or any major credit card.

Your cover letter should be one short paragraph not exceeding 500 characters including spaces. I invite you to paste an encyclopedia into the field but it will be truncated. Keep it brief! People won’t read it if it’s too long! Carriage returns (blank lines) will also be removed. Write it as though you were submitting it formally yet generic enough that all your bases are covered. I suggest a brief description of your skills and what kind of position you are looking for. Any misspellings or grammatical errors WILL BE ON YOUR SHIRT so be careful to proof read it. I recommend doing it in a word processor like Word and utilizing it’s spell check and word count tools then copy and paste into the cover letter field. While I probably won’t, I reserve to the right to refuse submissions for whatever reason.

Tweaking the ole resume

Jon Brooks — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 04:00:26 +0000

From the LearnVest blog:

Making the Most of a Thin Resume.

When you’re short on experience, play up your strengths.

The Problem: Recession or not, you’re job hunting. Trouble is, aside from some internships and a few part-time gigs, the work experience section of your resume is, well, thin. You know that you could nail a job if given the chance – but with the national unemployment rate hovering around 10%, how to get a foot in the door with so little to go on?

The Solution: A resume redo. The key is highlighting your accomplishments, regardless of how you got them. Definitely include when you graduated and whatever positions you’ve held since – employers want to see that. But, also list volunteer organizations, student clubs, sports teams, or any group in which you’ve held a leadership position or made an impact. Detail projects completed, funds raised or other positive outcomes; you want to point to anything that shows your capabilities, especially if it dovetails with requirements of the job you’re going after. And, here’s a tip from executive recruiters: Describe your efforts using keywords that mirror the language in an employer’s job listing, so they can connect the dots between your skills and their position. If you’re going after a marketing associate job, for example, outline the email marketing campaign you created for your campus bookstore that led to a 10% increase in sales.

One More Thing: No matter what type of job you’re going after, be sure to include in-demand skills such as foreign languages and computer know-how – we’re talking about spreadsheets and database programs, here, not Facebook. Of course, it’s all relative. If all you can say is, “Basic Microsoft Word,” then you might not want to highlight that that’s all you know.

If You’re The Do-It-Yourself Type: You’ll have no problem revamping your resume with the help of free templates from Microsoft, About.com or other online sources – some even have those all-important keywords built in. If you need a little coaching, have a professional resume service to do it for you – though you’ll pay for the convenience. Websites such as ResumeWriters.com or Monster.com charge anywhere from $100 to $300 for a finished product that you’ll get back in two to three days. Everyone has a different resume style preference, however, and we’ve spoken to executive recruiters who think that professional resume services create resumes that are too complicated and fluffy.

Before you part with any cash, do some digging. With so many people out of work, public libraries are holding free resume writing workshops, and universities have made resume and career counseling services available to recent grads and other alumni.

Good luck!

“My life in Hollywood sucks because…”

Jon Brooks — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 15:10:14 +0000

If you’re out of work, you might find it hard to conjure up sympathy for someone who has actually landed a job in Hollywood. On the other hand, ever see the movie Swimming With Sharks, about an assistant to a Hollywood bigwig who is also the world’s biggest SOB?

But there’s even a lower life form in the Hollywood pecking order than assistants, apparently. From Hollywood Temp Diaries, this description:

Temps are the lowest life form in Hollywood. They are lower than assistants. Lower than those in the mail room. Lower than everyone. Why? Because they are completely disposable. You don’t like the temp. Get a new one. (Oh and we don’t get health insurance, paid vacation, 401k, etc.)

This post is called “My life in Hollywood sucks because…”

My life in Hollywood sucks. How do I know this? Yesterday I interviewed for a short-term gig answering phones (yes, they required an interview for that) and didn’t get the job! Yep. That’s pretty bad considering my educational background, work experience and comfort level picking up a telephone receiver and saying “Hello.” But that got me thinking, it might be fun to know how your life in Hollywood sucks. At the end of the day we can all compare who has it worst. Misery loves company.

So use the comments section below to finish the sentence, “My life in Hollywood sucks because…”

Answers:

it’s 8:15 a.m. and the only thing I have left to look forward to today is washing my underwear.

——————————————————————————————————-

I work in a basement.

——————————————————————————————————-

I can’t even get an interview for a temp job just answering phones…

——————————————————————————————————-

I’m a 24 year old woman who isn’t willing to sleep her way to the top.

——————————————————————————————————-

I haven’t gotten a day off in two-and-a-half years.

——————————————————————————————————-

Out east I had a management position in radio – amidst contacts that said I was assured a job and an interest to climb the entertainment ladder further than Baltimore would allow. I moved to Burbank and began applying for jobs. I have management experience in an office setting and personal assistant work on my resume, but can’t even get a job offer washing dishes, much less temp work.

——————————————————————————————————-

I have to play with my boss’s dog who just pooped right by my desk, and if I quit this job I get deported…

——————————————————————————————————-

My temp pimp has only called me for 2 one-day temp jobs since the end of August.

——————————————————————————————————-

I moved from the East Coast with five years of experience and a load of LA contacts. Regardless, it’s like I’m starting over. I’ve worked three days since February. Burn. Thank you unemployment extensions!

——————————————————————————————————-

I am working my ass off on an amazing film, but not getting paid a single dollar…

——————————————————————————————————-

2 Ivy degrees, assistant and management experience, 4 months of free work, 1 day of paid work since January. No unemployment, poor and selfish ass family, rat friends.

——————————————————————————————————-

My life doesn’t suck. The recession sucks. The music business crashing and burning sucks. Being unemployed and feeling professionally irrelevant really sucks. Interviewing for five jobs I “almost got” this year definitely sucks. Unemployment running out by December sucks, but it will force me to pick a path and go forward. Financial insecurity sucks. Writing it down and sharing it with all of you somehow makes it suck a little less. We will all look back on these days and be stronger and more reilient for not letting our employment status define us.

——————————————————————————————————-

Because for some incomprehensible reason, it’s still legal (more or less) to hire vast numbers of interns to perform slave labor without pay, instead of sucking it up and hiring a few more assistants.

——————————————————————————————————-

Because I just realized I spent 7 years in college, 3 of those in grad school, to come out into the real world and learn that it was all for nothing. And now 21 year olds have a better chance of landing that dream production job than I do because they can land internships for now and come out of this recession at 23 or 24 years of age. I’m 26. Who’s going to hire a 26 year old post-grad intern? That’s like 85 in “industry” years. And 2 or 3 years from now? Forget about it.

——————————————————————————————————-

Anyone here pick up their bosses viagra? I have… Worked as an intern with them for 2 months and quit. Guess who didn’t get that letter of recommendation.

——————————————————————————————————-

Because the only one who responded to my cover letter was a Nigerian scam artist trying to send me fraudulent money orders.

——————————————————————————————————-

I live on my sister’s futon.

——————————————————————————————————-

I work 11-12 hour days without ANY breaks, and I’m not paid hourly.

——————————————————————————————————-

I worked 10-12 hour days and I dont get paid at all and am basically threatened I wont be able to use my boss as a reference anytime he is upset with anything not even concerning me.

——————————————————————————————————-

I usually don’t work at a job long enough to collect unemployment.

——————————————————————————————————-

2 years without a job….I was let go from my last job because a certain A-lister didn’t like my voice, nevermind I just had my end of the year review two weeks prior and was given a positive review.

——————————————————————————————————-

I’m getting tons of calls for internships but not for jobs… working for free is what the American economy has come to.

——————————————————————————————————-

…I’m earning less full-time than I was as a temp.

Best jobs in America

Jon Brooks — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 15:22:44 +0000

Focus, a business research company, has created a big chart of what it says are the best jobs in America. These were selected based on ratings from 35,000 workers. The top 50 were ranked based on current employment; long-term growth, pay and security; projected openings; and quality of life factors. A preview:

Best job overall – Systems Engineer

Highest median salary – Anesthesiologist

Most flexibility – Sales director

Most satisfaction – General practice physician

Highest job growth – Telecommunications network engineer

Lowest stress – Education/Training consultant

Most security – Emergency room physician

Click here to see full rankings.

Your personal brand

Jon Brooks — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 16:06:14 +0000

Perhaps you didn’t know that the month of February included Personal Brand Week, launched by professional services and auditing firm PricewaterhouseCoopers. Personal Brand Week was created to help students develop their personal brand as a way to find employment. This e-book guides you through the entire week. From the introduction:

In today’s competitive environment, students need a way to differentiate themselves from their peers. They need an “X” factor that makes them indispensable. In short, they need a personal brand. Personal branding can be a powerful tool for professional success. Personal branding is not simply a cosmetic exercise but instead a process that helps to develop skills that increase the potential of standing out in the crowded job market…

In February 2010, PwC launched Personal Brand Week and dedicated each day to a different theme. The response from across the country was overwhelmingly positive. And now we’re taking it one step further and sharing the best personal branding tips and worksheets with you in this e-book.

The following is from Monday’s “All About You: Top 10 Personal Branding Tips for Students”

Be authentic. Before you even think about your personal brand, you have to think about who you really are and what you really want. What have you accomplished so far? What are you passionate about? What are your goals? If you find it difficult to analyze yourself, ask friends or relatives to describe your best qualities and greatest achievements or take a self-assessment test online or through your college career center.

Show your confidence. While it’s never a good idea to project arrogance, many students err on the side of self-deprecation. Even if you feel inexperienced or awkward in professional situations, never make fun of yourself or put yourself down. If you project confidence and comfort with yourself, others will be comfortable with you.

Dress for success. Make sure your personal appearance matches the image you want to project. Find out what kind of clothes are appropriate for your desired industry and invest in the best you can reasonably afford. When in doubt, err on the side of formality. A great strategy is to have one or two reliable, high-quality outfits that are appropriate for a job interview or professional event and keep them clean and pressed at all times.

Build a professional online image. Everyone is Googling everyone else these days, so be vigilant about your online identity. Even if your social network settings are tight, take down any photos of partying, drinking or “unprofessional” behavior just in case. Then, enhance your brand online by creating a strong profile and becoming active on LinkedIn, the professional social network.

Reassess your personal brand regularly. Your experience, ideas and ambitions are going to evolve as your career develops, so make sure your personal brand is keeping up. Just as you should regularly update your resume, remember to regularly revisit your self-introduction, wardrobe, online profi les and other elements of your personal brand every few months. Be flexible. “Brand You” is always a dynamic work in progress.

Imagine stepping into an elevator in a downtown office building. As the doors close, the person standing next to you says, “Hi, I’m a recruiter at your dream company. Tell me about yourself.” Are you prepared for an opportunity like this? Could you concisely introduce yourself, your background and your career aspirations in the time of a quick elevator ride—30 seconds or less? “Elevator pitch” is a popular term for the basic introduction of who you are and what you’re looking for. It can be used in a variety of professional situations such as networking events, career fairs, cover letters and formal interviews.

These are from Thursday’s “Top 10 Online Branding Tips for Students”

Google yourself. Google your own name and make sure the results reflect the image you want to project. If you don’t show up in search results or you don’t like what appears, create one or two professional social networking profiles and post bylined content in your school newspaper or a club or association website.

Email impeccably. Email is a very important component of your online image. Since this is likely the primary way you’ll interact with networking contacts and potential employers, make sure you always communicate in writing like the professional you want to become. Answer all emails within 24 hours and use proper grammar, spelling, capitalization and professional etiquette at all times, even if you’re responding from your BlackBerry or iPhone.

Make sure your social networking profiles are rated PG. According to a 2009 CareerBuilder survey, 45% of employers admit to using social network scouting for applicants as part of the employment process. Would you be comfortable with a recruiter or other professional looking at any of the content you’ve posted online? If not, change it.

Become an active user of LinkedIn. LinkedIn is the largest professional social network, so you need to be part of it. Set up a complete profi le including keywords a recruiter might use to fi nd someone like you. Then connect with everyone you know by uploading your email contacts to see who’s active on LinkedIn. Next, join groups (starting with your college alumni group) to build your connections and visibility.

Tweet. While Twitter, the micro-blogging site seems frivolous to some, to others it has led to job offers and much more. Twitter is a great resource for following industry leaders, career experts and recruiters tweeting out real job opportunities. Follow people you admire, and then jump into the conversation on topics related to your professional interests or personal passions.

Bring offline relationships online. Spend 30 minutes a week sending a few “hello” emails to people you haven’t spoken to in a while—former classmates, internship colleagues, family friends, etc. Ask your connections if there is anything you can do to help them, and update them on your news or career goals.

Share your professional status. A great way to stay on other people’s radar screens and further build your personal brand is to update your status on Facebook, LinkedIn or Twitter at least once a week with some career-related news. Tell people about events you’re attending, major projects you’ve completed, professional books you’re reading, successes you’re celebrating or any other news that you would tell someone at a networking reception or on a quick catch-up phone call.

Get some online bylines. Review books on Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com or comment on news articles and blogs related to your industry or interests. Sharing your point of view (as long as it’s appropriate!) is a terrific form of networking and brand building. Note that for maximum exposure you should register to post any articles, comments or reviews with your real name and not a username.

Add links to your email signature. Once you’ve built up a professional online presence, make sure you don’t get lost in cyberspace; you have to direct people to find you. Include a link to your favorite pieces of online content or the URL of your LinkedIn, Google or Twitter profi le in the signature line at the bottom of your email messages.

Stay diligent about your online presence. Just like the web itself, your online image is a never-ending work in progress. While you don’t have to monitor your online identity minute-to-minute, you should check in on your virtual self regularly. Set up a Google alert on your own name (including any misspellings or nicknames). This is particularly important before you venture out on an informational interview or formal job interview, when others are more likely to be checking you out online.

Click here for the full program, which also includes tips and exercises on building relationships and career momentum.